Sent : Thursday, September 29, 2005 7:02 AM
To : [email protected]
Subject : HELP ME!

My name is Simon. I live in Australia in the outback. I need help or I die!!!

21 years ago I was born again. I mean REALLY born again. I cannot doubt or dispute what occured that day...the 28th of september 1984. I met Jesus litterally. I spoke with Him and he with me. I saw heaven too. I was told many things...some of which was hidden from my memory until the time for the revelation to be revealed.

But since that time I backslid back and forth many times. I delved into sin on a regular basis...but all along I hated my sin and still do. I know that we are saved by grace and all that....but latley I have sinned so deeply that I fear I have gone too far and trodden the Blood of Jesus one to many times. I sin because I am in despair of ever knowing that love again. I just cannot seem to connect.

My whole life has been one big failure in all aspects. I was married for ten years but that failed too because of my sin and lack of self control. Since my divorce I returned to the Lord in a big way...only to fall even further. My heart is so hard sins accuse me...and I grow desperate to feel life within again. I know what my calling is and I KNOW what lies just around the corner for the world. I fear I have left it too late to catch back up. I feel so lost and I know if I died I would deserve hell because I KNEW the truth and yet did nothing.

I am lazy...undiciplined...and still reeling from the divorce. My mother also committed suicide at that time after serving the Lord in a frontline ministry for over 20 years. I am lost...or I feel lost. I am so confused now. I only want to be with the Lord once more. I have travelled so far and seen things which many pastors never see....and yet I still feel so useless. I do not pray as I should...I am all out of strength. I am worn down in every way...I need a miracle or at least some hope. I sin....deliberately...and yet HATE it as it brings only more despair.

Can it be that I have sinned so much with full knowledge of God that I have perhaps gone too far?? Or if do I re connect once again? I have NO willpower or strength. I am always on the verge of suicide and I miss my daughters so much. I am one big ball of grief anger and pain and it never seems to end. I have no church to go to where I support....just me and God....and I have no strngth left to fight anymore. My mother saw hell and ran to jesus. I saw heaven and did the same. Perhaps a glimpse of hell would wake me up. I just dont know what to do. I have done all the church teaches...but for the most part it brings only condemnation. They teach LIES and who do I turn too?

My heart is hardened...I sin so easily now. I smoke drugs...I swear a lot. I am full of anger at my ex wife for what she did and still does. I know I MUST forgive and I try soooo hard...but the anger remains. HOW DO I GET FREEEEE????????? Ive tried everything...but because I am so lazy it is never enough.

How do I change my character? how do I change this worthless lazy man into what God called me to be so many years ago??? How do I end the pain???? WHEN WILL I KNOW LOVE????? I hurt so much...all the time....constantly. I long so much to be re united with Jesus. I KNOW He loves me....but I cannot seem to break through this wall of sin sick grief infesated anger controlled FLESH!!!! HOW....WHEN.....will I ever know peace and be the man God called me to be??? I know there will be many in hell who were born again but lost the plot and never kept on the path.

I know there will be many just like me there who had a calling and yet blew it again and again and ignored the warnings. How can I escape this trap I have put myself in??? I just cannot seem to its far to late for me to do so. I have sought repentance with TEARS...and yet it never comes. I have raged and screamed and cried out to God for so long. But always...ALWAYS...I return to my sin. I just cannot seem to escape this cycle of doom.

PLEASE.....PRAY FOR ME.....give me hope....ask the lord for strenght and renewal of fighting spirit...and healing for my shattered sin sick heart. I am dying...without the Lord and His love I will soon be dead and in hell forever.

I am SUCH a lazy sinner. I know the truith but lack the will. I know my destiny...but lack the strength. Is there forgivness and restoration for a sinner and backslider like me? I have sinned so many times in FULL KNOWLEDGE AND IN FULL SIGHT OF GOD MOST HIGH...He must be so angry with me. I am intelligent...I have met the Lord. I have had many secrets revealed to me over the years...but what do I do with all this revelation knowledge??? I KEEP SINNING despair and pain I sin.

I HATE MY SIN....but just keep at it. It brings a brief moment of relief...but soon turns to utter desppair once I sin again...and keep the cycle going. I know how I ought to be but have no will left to fight. I am heading down and I KNOW it. HELP MEEEEE. Its all or nothing. my heart is almost dead. My sins mount ever before me and account grows every day....and soon I will have to explain face to face why I did what I did even though I knew better. MY GOD HELP ME!!

WHY am I like this??? how did that innocent little boy who was always picked on and beaten at school...who used to preach at school despite the beatings....end up a broken sinful backslidden waste of time such as myself??? where oh WHERE did I turn the wrong corner? Help me please GOD HELP MEE!!!

Beloved Brother Simon

From Elisabeth...

I am trying to reach two powerful Holy Men that I call friend who live in Austraila. They will also contact you when I reach them. Please hurry and send your phone number so I can give it to them.

I also am posting your urgent prayer need on the Ministry Site at email blessings it will also be on

and in Urgent PRAYER REQUESTS. HELP IS ON THE WAY. I have asked for Prayer warriors to cover you in prayer and fasting. You have fought all your life why give up now when you are on the brink of a miracle. YAHUSHUA LOVES YOU! YOU JUST NEED DELIVERANCE LIKE THE PRODIGAL SON.

Unfortunatly I am leaving on a Spiritual retreat over 3,000 miles away and I won't have Internet connnection for awhile. At least until I get a motel in the nearest City. Please don't give up now, its bad enough your mother lost her battle with the devil, please don't allow the same thing to happen to you.

Please tell me what City in Austraila do you live in? I know my Brothers in YAHUSHUA will personally come and visit you if they can.

Much love in YAHUSHUA
Elisabeth (Elisheva) Elijah